a new perspective

I was at the DI the other day (shocking, I know) and I came across this dish. It's not Pyrex, but I couldn't pass it by because of what it said on the bottom.

Maid of honor.

Gee whiz, if that doesn't sum up how I've been feeling lately, I don't know what does. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Okay, I know that's kind of exaggerating a bit, but one thing that really bothers me is when blogs make life seem perfect. Because let's face it, life isn't.

I know that I have a lot of things going for me. I'm finished with school, I have a great job that I love, I'm moving forward with spiritual goals, I have awesome people in my life. There are so many positives, it's humbling.

But I can't lie. I have never felt more lost or lonely in my entire life.

Graduating and finishing school brought about feelings that I never anticipated. Of course it's a relief not having to stress about exams and deadlines, but it has also left me in a strange place. What do I do now? How should I spend my time? How will I meet new people? What goals can I accomplish on my own?

I have cried several times going to and leaving work at the hospital. It's really hard to drive past the U of U and see all the students beginning a new semester. I can't help but want to be one of them.

What's equally hard is not having a solid group of people to hang out with. I am so very thankful because I have been blessed with dozens of people whom I consider very good friends. The trouble is that most are in relationships, so finding time to get together is sporadic and inconsistent.

Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for all my friends. I'm over the moon for them. How awesome they have people in their lives to care so deeply for. But it's still hard to be the forever fan on the sidelines cheering for everyone.

I just have to remind myself that my life has barely begun. I am so proud of myself and all the things I have accomplished. I love the person I'm becoming and how I treat other people. I'm pleased with the way I go about my days and the choices I'm making.

But sometimes I just feel so completely alone. I know that some of my feelings are normal, but I can't let myself get stuck in a "poor me" trap. I need to be more positive. Keep the faith. Push forward with my future.

I was talking with a good friend today and she passed on some of the best advice I've heard in a long time. She said to me,

do something that scares you every day.

It was just the thing I needed to hear. I can be brave. I need to try new things. Being scared won't hurt me.

I'm so excited to incorporate this action into my days. Do something that scares me every day. And it really started today, because this post came from an honest place and this snippet of my personal feelings is now posted in a public domain. And it feels good.

P.S.

Dear really cute boy on the third floor lobby at PCMC,

You were adorable playing your guitar & singing in your church clothes. I'd be lying if I said that my heart didn't skip a beat when I walked past you twice today. I think you're awesome for coming up to the hospital and giving of your time on a Sunday. I should have told you that and I didn't.

Let's just hope you're back on Tuesday when I come to work.

Love,

working-on-being-more-brave,

Julia